Monday, February 10, 2014

Melancholy and My Infinite Sadness

this is for me (read it if you are so inclined)
this is not a cry for help (a hug won't hurt)
this is to get myself out of my head (my own dark passenger)
this is a step on my path to happy (I hope)
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I find writing, just simply the act of letting words flow out of my head and through my fingers to be quite freeing. I've filled notebooks only to throw them away, I've read all the self-help books I can find, and talk therapy is an outlet, but not one in which I let myself lose control. In other words, those things are good, and working but not enough.

Perhaps I'll air the dirty laundry later, but for now that isn't the point of this. I've made choices that cannot be undone, and I'm learning to live again in whole new way. Things are decidedly different in my life and I'm riding an emotional rollercoaster of feelings and emotions both positive and negative, good and bad, and all points in between. My highs are unlike any other in my 34 years, the happiness I feel at times is beautiful, and perfect. It's right where I belong, it's home.

However, the lows are low. Cowardly even, I'm embarrassed by the thoughts that go through my head. Scared of them at times. I looked at a hook on a bathroom door today in a way that I never could have imagined. I'm not proud of those things. I won't hide from them. I won't turn my back on them, I need to understand what they mean. They are not home, that is not me. That is not how my/our story ends.

From the outside looking in, I'm just fine. Or maybe I was, maybe you thought I was. How deep or far back this goes is unclear, everyone has an opinion. Everyone is quick to judge, people like to give advice, like they know everything. They like to point fingers and climb their soapbox, blame it on karma, ride the high horse and/or otherwise think they know what is best for you. You are not me, and you are not above anything. Nobody is, no matter what you might think. You just never know. I don't know about destiny, fate, or whathaveyou but I know somethings cannot be explained and are out of our control as humans on the pale blue dot.

Reality? Sometimes just a smile, a sincere "how are you doing," a hug, a casual invite to chat would go a long way. No matter what you think, I'm still me, and every day I learn a little more who me really is. I've lost a lot, I've burned all the bridges (fuck, the whole village really) but I've gained so much as well. I took a risk, time will tell how that story ends.
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i'm not asking for anything (really)
i am not better than you (and you are not better than me)
i'm not okay (i promise)
i'm a recovering pessimist (learning to live again with the glass half full)

be well.




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