I'm 585 days removed from "rock bottom" and I have no fear of a relapse but I'm constantly reminded of my past mistakes. My struggles, and my addiction. I don't have to look far thanks to social media, and the dreaded "this day in history" bullshit for example. Thanks for all the reminders! My instagram feed is like 99% beer until 01/13/2015. Social media is weird. For all of it's glory, it's really fucking changed us as a society. Vanity is all the rage, and those of us that lack a large social group, or friends in general can use it to lean a bit and feel less alone. How shitty and glorious is that? I absolutely recognize, that to some degree sharing shit on the internet (like this) or what I'm doing, what I bought, where I am, or what the fuck ever, is in fact in an effort to replace actual human connection that I a either deficient of or do not want. That part is unclear. Either way, it's kinda messed up. I guess knowing is half the battle.
Recently my partner told me she was surprised to even hear me say "my drinking problem" or similar, that got me thinking a bit. I guess I never really labeled myself, but if there is any doubt. My name is Dan, and I'm an alcoholic. I'm proud to be sober and figuring shit out, and ever single day I'm presented with a new challenge or obstacle in an effort to learn about my sober self, what that means, who I am, and where I want to be/go.
This morning, as I write this, I'm preparing for our annual summer coed "beer league" softball tournament. This will be my second go at it sober, and I'm looking forward to remembering it all. Twice prior to my sauce quitting I was removed from the field embarassingly, completely blacked out. Remembering nearly nothing. I can't believe that was me, I'm so ashamed of that. Last year it was hard to even face this people, but now I completely own my sobriety and I'm damn proud of it.
It's hard to imagine how much life can change in just over 18 months, but even my bad days are better than those when I was drinking, when all I knew, and all I wanted was to drink. To get drunk, to fade away mentally, and explode forward outwardly for acceptance. Today panic and anxiety are generally in check, and I manage the ups & downs of life with other things that make me happy. Music, travel, etc.. These days I'm a bit shy, somewhat quieter than I once was, maybe even a little reserved. I try not to be the center of all things if I can help it, and I think many would agree, I'm better in moderation.