More often than not I compose blog posts in my head, or get loose ideas and never actually come here to write them down and share.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about putting my thoughts down around the subject of understanding what it means to be in recovery, and how that is perceived by folks you care about. Folks you think may care about you, those who do not, and those you hate or hold a grudge (likely for very good reasons).
I've come to the conclusion that people generally just don't understand...may never understand, and I need to be okay with that.
When you work so hard to downplay a problem, or hide it from the world. Make excuses, cover it up, and believe yourself that you are just fine. Convincing yourself an others that drinking is a good hobby. I think then, to no surprise people begin to believe you.
Despite the blackouts.
Despite driving drunk.
Despite being inappropriate.
Despite being an asshole.
...and so much more.
There are many stories, some are funny. Especially after the fact, the stuff of legends. I was that guy.
I'm not that guy anymore. I'm just a guy figuring out who I am, who I want to be and trying to make amends for who I used to be. I lost so much time, so much money, so many friends.
I don't think people understand that had such a problem.
Sure I stopped drinking, and it was not as hard for me as it is for some. That doesn't make me any less of an alcoholic. I wish it wasn't this way, I wished I'd never started to be honest. It is what it is.
I don't want to be around drinking if I can help it, I don't want to celebrate "holidays" that exist for drinking only, I don't want to hang out with drunk people or be anywhere near them. All I see is me, my mistakes, my problems, my former life. All I want to do is yell, cry, fight etc...
3 days short of "holiday" that used to have me drunk by 9am, people asking me what my plans are.
It's weird. I guess this is just how it is, how it will be.
Take care of yourself.
- db - 1156 days -