Showing posts from 2014

2 months

Fiddlehead Hodad from the can is really good, and after 2 months of abstaining from booze and brews for the betterment of myself it was that beer I chose to have 8 weeks to the day of my last. There was no pomp and circumstance, or a OMG I'm having a beer feeling. I was having dinner with Amy and simply decided I would like to have a beer. Easy as that, and it's just fine. I never planned an end date, or thought I would be sober forever. I needed to feel ready, be in control, and not NEED beer. Not once during the 2 months of sobriety did I ever feel I had to have it. Or get the shakes, or freak out, or anything. I'm not alcoholic and it's good to finally be sure of that. I was however, heading down that path. Therapy, love, and hope have got me through and I'm so thankful for all of them. I'm keeping tabs on myself, not going to be a daily drinker anymore. Not going to get drunk anymore, no blackouts or lost time, no raging nights for me. If for a second I

52 Days

Quick update: Here I am 52 days later. Still sober, still strong, still me, and better than ever. Nearly ordered wine while in Montreal this past weekend but got nervous, decided it wasn't worth it. I feel ready but clearly I wasn't quite there. I didn't expect that feeling, so I have to figure out what that means. Was it the circumstance? Was I scared? Would I have preferred a beer? Whiskey? In any case, I still had a fucking amazing time and it's pretty cool to know I don't need to drink anything to have fun. Win. Cheers! Until next time -db-

Someone Like You

Dear Mom, Happy Birthday! I really miss you. I think about you every single day, and see you in the mirror smiling back at me. I'm so thankful for you, and for what we had. Our path wasn't normal, and we weren't going to be on any hallmark cards for mother/son relationships but we were good. We were special, and once all the bullshit was gone it was wonderful. I forgave you many years ago, and I'm so happy that I was able to tell you that before you moved on to the next "trip." I don't believe in much, and I know that always pissed you off but I'm coming around. I still believe you are out there somewhere, I'll come to the ocean soon and talk. You used to say to tell me to find something/someone that makes you happy, and I have. I'm doing well, I lost control for a bit but I'm getting better everyday. I wish we could talk for real. I have so much to say, to tell you, to share with you, but for now I'll just hope that you can read blogs

I Didn't Even Wear Green

Just another day. Today is/was Saint Patrick's Day, or Paddy's Day however you choose to write it (just not Patty). It is the first one that I can remember where I did not get shitfaced. Or at the very least have an afternoon nap. That is weird. In fact, I did not have drop of alcohol, and I"m going on 24 days without it. I feel great, I'm thinner, I'm stronger, I'm happier. I even ran 11.5 miles on Saturday, 6.5 more than planned. Today though, I was craving corned beef and cabbage. So tasty, needed it. Thought to myself probably should not go to a bar and be around all this BS today. Glad I didn't. On the drive home I was reminded why. At 5pm around the UVM campus kids were just staggering from party to party. I tried to take a picture but one had a 30 rack of bud light, another a sixer of PBR in both hands, another with a bottle of what I think was Captain Morgan, and get the point. I wanted a Guinness, I even freely admitted that

Seeing Clearly - 14 days

Today is the 2 week mark on my break from booze and brews, and I'm doing great. Wanted to share a few things I've discovered along the way, and some highlights. I like analytics, so I'm going to throw some numbers in here as well. First, thank you all. Regardless of whether or not you have reached out, know me, or otherwise.  I can feel the energy again. The support has been amazing. I've been approached and contacted by folks that I don't even know, or know well. Turns out not everyone sucks. Opening up, becoming vulnerable to the world near and far has been thought provoking, empowering, and really fucking good for me. I've found some new things, rediscovered old things, and looking for even more. Stats: Polar Seltzer 1 liter bottles drank - 31 (and I'm halfway through another) Books read 1 finished, and I'm halfway through another I've played guitar for at least 1 hour everyday I've run a total of 18 miles I've signed up for a

Time Out For Alcohol

Me: "well you know that #craftbeer is one of my hobbies" Her: "that's not a good hobby" What she meant was..."that's not a good hobby for me." ...and right now, she is right. Especially now. She knows me, she loves me. I went on a long run just now, the first real run in months. Thinking back on that conversation. The look in her eyes, the tears gently positioned upon her cheeks. Reflecting on everything that has happened in the last year and beyond. The music in my ears was the usual Sevendust, but sometimes you hear things that you haven't before. Sometimes it's just the right time to listen. I'm listening. Sevendust - Waffle (selected lyrics) I need to find a meaning I'm useless, I'M USELESS Trapped inside my own web Bring me a light Make my life worth something more When I'm alone I stare at nothingness Painful silence I've never believed that I'm an alcoholic, and honestly I still don&#

Melancholy and My Infinite Sadness

this is for me (read it if you are so inclined) this is not a cry for help (a hug won't hurt) this is to get myself out of my head (my own dark passenger) this is a step on my path to happy (I hope) ---------------- I find writing, just simply the act of letting words flow out of my head and through my fingers to be quite freeing. I've filled notebooks only to throw them away, I've read all the self-help books I can find, and talk therapy is an outlet, but not one in which I let myself lose control. In other words, those things are good, and working but not enough. Perhaps I'll air the dirty laundry later, but for now that isn't the point of this. I've made choices that cannot be undone, and I'm learning to live again in whole new way. Things are decidedly different in my life and I'm riding an emotional rollercoaster of feelings and emotions both positive and negative, good and bad, and all points in between. My highs are unlike any other in my 3